I've personally been dealing with anxiety, depression and self esteem issues ever since I went into Jr. High. I was never bullied, however, I did have self esteem issues, and I was VERY mature for my age, so I didn't belong anywhere, though I did have some very close friends. The maturity had to deal with my stressful household. As a child, I was physically abused by my father, and my mom has severe Bipolar disorder. All three of my brothers are mentally disabled. My oldest brother, he's 20, has Aspergers Syndrome. My second oldest brother, he's 18, has severe autism. My youngest brother, he's 13, has a lesser case of autism. All of this is a contribution to what I've had to deal with over the years, and it has really built up on all of us.
I told you, I became close friends with a lot of people. There was a particularly nice girl I became friends with, Jen. She was punkish, obsessed with Kurt Cobain.
She was awesome, really. Had the coolest personally. We'd sluff our least favorite classes, sitting next to eachother, listening to Slipknot (don't hate! It was one of her favorite bands. I remember her favorite song, "Wait and Bleed") We'd spend countless hours in the summer on MSN, chatting away, talking about random things, and we quoted Quagmire ALL the time, we were in love with Family Guy. We both loved eachother, I could tell, but it wasn't in a relationship type of way. It was in the way you would like a brother and sister, that you would always care for her, and you'd want the best in life.As school went on, we became a bit more apart, and though we'd keep in touch, we weren't as close as we used to be. She was still eager to talked to me when she could. As she grew older, however, she seemed less outgoing, less happy. I could tell there was something wrong.
One day, she didn't show up for school. Pretty typical, I know. But it was a particular day I'll never forget. Because later, I got an email;
"Kyle, I don't know how to explain this, but, I love you. All of the nights we spent talking together were amazing, it was the best time of my life. I'll miss you."
I frantically replied what the hell she meant by "she'd miss me", even though I was glad to hear she loved me (I was such a loser back then
) And patiently waited.Two days, no response.
I walked over to her house on a Thursday afternoon, and knocked on her door. Her parents answered, the most miserable human beings I have ever seen in my entire life.
"Hey there," I said, pretty casually. "Where's Jen?"
Her mom started tearing, and her dad said softly, "Jen overdosed two days ago, and passed away while they were trying to pump charcoal", or something along those lines. I honestly don't remember, because when her mom started crying, I knew.
I should say, I don't know what it feels like to get hit by a freight train. But that's probably the closest simulator you can get. It hit me hard. I didn't cry, I didn't say anything, my facial expression didn't change. I walked home blankly, went straight into my room, shut my door, and laid there, doing nothing. It was like someone had flipped a switch to "off", and the world was moving around me. I was like this for two days, I didn't talk, I didn't eat, I just laid there.
And then, the reality hit me.
I would never see her face again, never get to talk to her again, listen to Slipknot and skip those horrible monotone lectures, spend countless hours, cracking jokes, listening to her fantasize about Kurt Cobain, quoting our favorite Family Guy episodes. It was all gone, it was in the past, she was non-existent.
I cried the hardest I ever did that night. It must have been hours. I can't remember. Just thinking back to that moment, my eyes swell, I can't hold back a tear or two from those sickening memories of what I had to put up with. To lose a close friend, all those memories crushed, all the people she damaged permanently.
The following months were gruesome, to say the least. School was a lost cause, my home life fell apart in a clusterfuck (I love that word, haha) of anger and sadness, nothing was in control, my life was a wreck.
Two months later, I pulled a knife on myself.
It started with a simple family argument. It can be the smallest things, the smallest triggers, that can escalate into something blown out of perspective so much, that it has unnecessary consequences. I was already emotionally unsteady for the last few months, but by the time that dispute came up, I just gave in to the emotion. I was shaking with rage and sorrow and depression and every other emotion and side effect I can think of relating to everything I was having to deal with, and that knife was hovering right over my chest. It happened very quick. My dad sacrificed his home life for me. I went in for the lunge, to finally end it, and he simultaneously ran up, tackled me, and punched me (probably out of rage). Needless to say, I'm still alive, but that was life-changing. following that, I was away from home for 4 months. You see, I was emotionally unstable, and I couldn't be trusted. All of this really fucked me up. So they sent me to a residential facility.
I thought I was done, finished with all of this. But truthfully, you never recover from these experiences. It lies in your subconscious, you need to realize YOU'RE the one who needs to change, and be able to cope with it. And I made that mistake two months ago.
Another family dispute. Another very small family argument, that escalated into something it didn't need to be. I had been having suicidal thoughts for the past few weeks, because I had been feeling helpless, and didn't have any other solution, so I figured the only way out, to relieve my stress, was to end my life. I took 70 pills, a variety of sleeping and anxiety medication. And, of course, I immediately regretted it.
I'll tell you what's it like. First off, plain and simple;
DO NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE.
It's a selfish, idiotic, tasteless permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just don't, do everyone a favor. Play your role in this world. You're meant to be here, even if you don't realize it yet.
Anyways, the very first thought that came to mind was my beautiful girlfriend, what I would do to her if I would leave this Earth, if I was going to die from this. What would happen to her, what she would do. I couldn't stand that thought. I started hyperventilating, and eventually collapsed onto the counter, where I attempted to hold myself upright. Both of my parents rushed over to me, tried to calm me down, and one went over to the home phone, the other on cell, and called 911. I started to get weak, and couldn't hold myself up anymore, and collapsed onto the floor. I lay there, I could see myself, I was a pale-blue color, and I could feel my heart in my throat. My mom said it was the fastest pulse she has ever heard, and she's a nurse. I started losing consciousness, before I saw the door open, and the medics come rushing in. They brought me out to the ambulance (I remember seeing multiple police cars, a firetruck, and of course, the ambulance I was being put in) and they rushed me to the hospital. There, they made me drink charcoal to clear my system, to make me throw up. It sucked, terribly. I hope none of you ever have to go through that. It's terrible.
They eventually brought me to a lock down facility, where I was forced to stay for about a week. The worst part was not being able to talk to my girlfriend, and not even being able to tell her what happened, or how I was doing. I had to use sort of decoys.
It was terrible, and really painful, but I got through it.Anyways, I hope what you guys are getting out of this is, no matter how you feel, no matter what you're going through, there's always a better solution than taking your life. If anything, it'll only cause you more problems if you fail, or you'll be hurting everyone around you, permanently. It truly is a terrible thing. We're all meant for something, even if you don't feel that way, you just haven't discovered it yet, but you will. You fit in somewhere. You all belong here. Follow where YOU want to go, because that's what really matters.
If anyone has any questions, I'm here to answer them. If you need to learn how to cope with a recent situation or suicide, I can help, don't hesitate to ask. Thanks for reading my obscurely long thread, I hope it benefited you in some way.
In Memory of
Will Trautwein
Tyler Clementi
Seth Walsh
Justin Aaberg
Raymond Chase
Billy Lucas
And the many other victims of themselves
Rest in the greatest of peace, Jennifer. I'll always cherish our time we spent together while you were on this earth.
I love you too.
SSCoasters Staff 
SSCoasters Moderator 
