48 replies to this topic

[Maxwell58]

What happens when both parents hit the booze at the same time? Hell. Fighting over random, pointless bullshit. Breaking shit, yelling. Just, hell.

Anyways, Liam, how's your family been going?

EDIT: I think they stopped arguing for now, but the alchohol is a huge problem. My dad is an alchoholic and my mom is going to be an alchoholic.

[The Stig]

I have a problem.

For the last two years, I've been living with my brother and his roomate. I enjoy their company. For the last three weeks, I've been working my new job. Since my apartment is about 3 hours away from work, I've been staying with my Dad on the weekdays, since he lives about 30 minutes away. Next month, I'm going to be moving into a new apartment, which will be about 45 minutes from work.

The problem: I will eventually have to tell my brother that he can't come with me. We've already talked about living together in the new place, but after three weeks of discussing the situation with my parents, I'm now convinced otherwise.

Why? I've been asking them for months to stop bringing drugs into my apartment. And they haven't. Last Saturday, while I was sleeping upstairs, something really risky happened. I won't go into details. I don't like any of their friends, they're all into drugs. And I don't like them coming over to my apartment. The lease to the apartment is under my name. If anything were to happen with either law-enforcement or any medical-related incident, I'd be linked to it because I'm held responsible to what goes on in my apartment.

I've been clean since February. At first, I just looked the other way and just ignored it. When I confronted them about it and told them about how uncomfortable I was with the situation, they simply started taking things upstairs away from me. Now that I've got this fantastic job, I need to get away from it altogether. And no, it's not just smoke. It's getting bad.

So what's stopping me? The guy is my brother. I'm afraid to hurt his feelings and abandon him. The two of them can't afford the apartment we're in now. I don't know what will happen to them when I leave. I fear they will only get worse.

However, bringing them with me certainly won't improve their behavior either. This isn't the first time this has happened. My Dad has given up on him, and refuses to support him. My Mom has done the same, and will refuse to give him a place to stay. I'm all he's got left (other than his roomate, who can't offer much). They don't have a car. Just me. And they still refuse to change. And in his opinion, there's nothing wrong with this lifestyle. He never finished high school. He refuses to go back to obtain a GED. My Dad has tried to help him go to school and get a better job many times, but he refuses. He's almost 30 and can't get a job beyond minimum wage. His roomate is over 40 and works at Sonic. Listen up, all you teenagers. This is what happens when get involved with drugs.

One of his friends, who is 30-something, will drop her kid off without my permission and leave us to babysit while she goes out to the bar, and then pays us with drugs. Another guy comes over and asks me to take a piss in a bottle for him so he can pass a drug screening. This other woman comes to shoot up in the bathroom at 6 in the morning while I'm asleep and unaware. My downstairs neighbor, who is 17, comes upstairs to smoke with my roomate, who is 40-something. I can't even finish a coaster because if they're home, they keep all the lights off in the living room while they get stoned and watch Netflix.

I'm so fucking sick of it. This is my apartment and they're shitting all over it.
Now the stakes are higher than ever. I refuse to lose my awesome job because these two can't stay sober.
Just scroll up six posts!

He's continued to ignore my requests to change his lifestyle. I'm in fear of what he does all week while I'm away at work. His friends still come by looking for him on the weekends when I'm there and they're out at work. I know what I have to do.

So why haven't I done it yet? The lease on my current apartment ends on November 30th. I can't leave now because if I do, they won't pay rent and it'll come back on me because it's my lease.

So here's my top secret plan: At the end of this month, I'm going to set up the new apartment. I'm going to pay rent on both places for November. Throughout the first couple weeks, I'm going to start moving my stuff, a little at a time, k'nex and computer first, until all the destroyable goods are safe with me. Then I'll break the news to them, finish paying the bills for the old apartment, and be done with it.

How does that sound?

Look forward to a major, positive change in the upcoming weeks.

[ForgotToGrowUp]

Wow, that sucks but you need to do what is good for you. Cliche but true "you are not your brother's keeper". And even if he is upset at first tough love is the best thing you can give him right now. Maybe (only Maybe) it will help him see how the drugs are affecting his life and do something about it. But you can do NOTHING to help him.

I know how hard dealing with a loved one's addictions can be. You want to help them but in reality there is nothing you can do to help. And the more you try to help or intervene the more it becomes your problem.

I recently ended a 7 year relationship with my live in girlfriend because of the issues with her drinking. I spent years trying to "help" her but all that did was make us both angry and drive more of a wedge between us. Eventually I turned to AlAnon and it was eye opening. The biggest thing is accepting that there is nothing you can do, it's not your problem, by trying to help you are hurting both of you.

I think your plan is a good safe way to do it. Get your most important stuff out and then tell them the deal and let them figure out what they are going to do. Not your problem. Don't let them suck you into a big arguement or fight. Just tell them and leave if you have to. Tell your brother you love him, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Tell him he can come visit but if he brings drugs you will send him away.

Good luck with the new job and apartment!

[Chubs33]

I don't know man... if it were my brother I would do everything in my power to try to help. I feel like at the end of the day, your family is all you got. But I can imagine how tricky the situation is and how hopeless you may feel since he is 30 years-old, but I still think you have to figure out a way so both of you are happy.

Have you talked to him about all the things that piss you off? If you have and he has blown you off, maybe just throw the idea that you may not be living together at him. I'm sure everyone with a brother or sibling knows that whatever mean thing they say to you, it always takes its toll, no matter how much you try to dismiss it.

It is a sticky situation indeed, I'm sure someone else will have better input than I do, but blood is thicker than water. Family first.

[ForgotToGrowUp]

The thing about addictions is there is almost nothing another person can do to help. If someone wants to use/abuse they will find away. The only way they will even try to stop is if they want to. What ends up happening is the "help" you are giving becomes the focus and not their real problem. You are preventing the user from ever having the chance to deal with the problem as 100% theirs. Addicitons are VERY hard to overcome and unless they own it 100% as their problem. The other thing that happens is the helper puts so much focus on helping the user they lose track of focusing on their own lives. Everyone loses.

Chris has to do what is best for him. He can not control his brother. The least he can do is stop enabling his brother by providing a safe environment for him to live the destructive lifestyle he is choosing without the consequences that go with that choice.

[The Stig]

^^^ Jeff, everything you said is absolutely true. I suppose this feeling of grief is my realization that there is, unfortunately, nothing I can do to help. It's what my parents keep telling me, but I haven't yet come to terms with it myself.

^^ Chubs, I've given him fair warning on a different occasions that his actions would carry serious problems. I've even dropped many hints like, "Mom and Dad want me to move away from you guys." and "If you're serious about moving in with me, you need to stop brining drugs into my house." He's only hurting himself.

Now comes the hardest part of all: Putting my foot down and standing my ground. Being such a Fluttershy has it's perks, but I'm typically one to avoid uncomfortable confrontations such as this. But what I lack in boldness, I can easily make up for in honesty. And honestly, I feel that the time has come for me to move on.

Thanks for listening and understanding, Guys.

[Britfag]

^^^ Jeff, everything you said is absolutely true. I suppose this feeling of grief is my realization that there is, unfortunately, nothing I can do to help. It's what my parents keep telling me, but I haven't yet come to terms with it myself.

^^ Chubs, I've given him fair warning on a different occasions that his actions would carry serious problems. I've even dropped many hints like, "Mom and Dad want me to move away from you guys." and "If you're serious about moving in with me, you need to stop brining drugs into my house." He's only hurting himself.

Now comes the hardest part of all: Putting my foot down and standing my ground. Being such a Fluttershy has it's perks, but I'm typically one to avoid uncomfortable confrontations such as this. But what I lack in boldness, I can easily make up for in honesty. And honestly, I feel that the time has come for me to move on.

Thanks for listening and understanding, Guys.

I think you need to stage an intervention. Sure these things seem sucky and cliche, and possibly ridiculous, but get your parents onboard, meet up in a separate location, your parents (judging by staying at your 'dads', they might not be together, although this is possibly the thing they'd appear together for?), you, your brother and your room-mate. Explain the situation, and don't just drop your support.

What is he going to feel like if you just disappear? - along with his apartment?

Sure he's currently freeloading, and that's ridiculous, but he is your brother.

I say an intervention would be a suitable way.

Good luck though!

[ForgotToGrowUp]

Interventions work by forcing someone to face reality, but in the end it still comes down to changing because THEY want to change. All the intervention does is push them in that direction. (and by intervention I mean a formal organized event)

I think Chris first has to put some separation between himself and his brother before attempting something like an intervention.

Chris, if you do want to do some sort of intervention be sure to get help. They can go horribly wrong if not done with discipline. There is going to be a lot emotion and anger involved when someone is confronted in such a drastic manner. If you do want to do something like that you really want to have a practiced facilitator involved to keep things going in a positive direction.

Here is a very good book on the subject

[BGTKing]

Might want to check and see if getting a job elsewhere voids your lease too. Could save you some cash.