38 replies to this topic

[Jester1960]

Bart, I , for one would like to send you a group hug. it seems that you have many friends on here who care about you more than you know.
I think your a strong enough person to deal with life's $hit, so just smile & love your parents the same as you always did. you will get through it.

**Hugs** from Pennsylvania USA

[TheSUCKCrew]

Thanks guys.

The past few months have been crazy. The divorce thing did not happen. I think I owe you guys a bit more explanation about the whole thing.
I believe some of you already know about my mum's manic depressive condition. She's practically always in either an up mood or a down mood, there is not really an inbetween for her, like there is for us. So this winter she had a very long and extreme down phase, resulting in weeks of depression. Luckily she got out of it in time, and she immediately got into an extreme up mood. You guys probably can't even imagine what it is like, but in these up moods she has so much energy for everything, and she suddenly wants to change everything, take charge in everything, and live life to the fullest. I suppose that would make sense after you just had a month long near death experience, as she describes it. This is all very weird for us, after spending a month taking care of your mother (which is already pretty hard to deal with emotionally when you are a teenager), she suddenly starts delegating us and she gets very unreasonable whenever you forget to do the dishes or something. For instance, I once finished cleaning my room 15 minutes late, and she felt that I disrespected her so much that she wouldn't cook for me for a week. It's hard to deal with stuff like that, but at these moments you have to stay calm to stop the issue from getting outta hand.
This time however, she took it a bit to far, and practically blamed everything that ever happened to her on my dad. In less than a day there was such a huge conflict between them, that they didn't sleep in the same bed for atleast 3 months. And it all practically started out of nowhere. It escalated practically once a day, leading to only more distance between them.
By now my mum has gone back to the down phase. The conflict between my parents kinda settled (although it left a gaping wound in their relationship). This time the down phase is not as extreme as the last time, so I think it is kinda leveling out. The weird thing is, it seemed like her moodswings were kinda getting less, but the last half year has totally disproved that.
Manic depression is a horrible disease. I feel very bad for her, because it makes her life and the life of people close to her so incredibly complicated. Things just can't ever be "normal", it's always either a depression or an overflow in energy leading to escalations.

Edited by TheSUCKCrew, 08 May 2013 - 05:42 PM.

[IOAgeek]

Oh I hope you can work things out with her smoothly dude, and please can you build another awesome coaster for us and ssc we want to see what's in store for you next or another amazing looper nod layout from it, too!!!!

[Chubs33]

Just out of curiosity, does she take any mood stabilizers or anything for potential bipolar disorder?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this Bart. Times like that really are brutal sometimes, but I know you'll get through it. Remember, life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain. Snuck that little quote in there nicely, eh? It's true though. If you can get through this than you can get through pretty much anything. I know you have it in you.

[TheSUCKCrew]

Oh I hope you can work things out with her smoothly dude, and please can you build another awesome coaster for us and ssc we want to see what's in store for you next or another amazing looper nod layout from it, too!!!!

Another coaster might be coming this summer. I'm afraid I'll lose my Builder tag if I don't do something quickly, haha.

Just out of curiosity, does she take any mood stabilizers or anything for potential bipolar disorder?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this Bart. Times like that really are brutal sometimes, but I know you'll get through it. Remember, life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain. Snuck that little quote in there nicely, eh? It's true though. If you can get through this than you can get through pretty much anything. I know you have it in you.

She used to take mood stabilizers (she's been on lithium for a long time, but she has had many sorts of medicine).


Well, the last few weeks were crazy.

I got back from school on a wednesday, and my mum wasn't there. Not too alarming in my oppinion. But by the time my dad got home, we got a feeling that there was something wrong. We searched around the house, and found a suicide note on her computer (document was created 3 days earlier; she had been planning it for 3 days apparently). Not knowing what to do, we called the police, and 10 minutes later there was a police officer asking us all these questions, for instance how long she had been missing and if we had any idea where she could be. After a few calls, we realised she had not been seen for atleast 8 hours. In the past she had mentioned something about walking into the sea, so we told the police officer, and soon they had a helicopter scanning the area. My dad and I were already pretty much convinced she was dead. Half an hour later we found 10 empty blister packs in the thrash can. It was already getting dark, my mum was missing, and she had swallowed enough pills to kill a horse. All we could do was wait for the phonecall, we were all expecting bad news. Eventually, the helicopter found something, and my father got there at the same time as the police officers: It was my mum, and she was still alive, sorta. Her clothes were soaking wet, she was hypothermic, and she was unconscious.
3 hours later I visited her in the hospital, and it was horrible. When she woke up the next day, she was disappointed about the fact that she was still alive.

I didn't go to school for a week. My dad and I were both pretty much traumatized. I didn't sleep for 2 days, and I still barely do.
While we were trying to process all that had happened, my mum recovered pretty fast. We were still trying to deal with the fact that she had been planning it for 3 days, and didn't even show us any signs or something. I doubt I'll ever trust her again. This is the third time, but it is completely different.

Anyhow, my mum recovered pretty quickly. Within a week she was acting as if nothing ever happened, and she wanted to come home immediately. So while we were still dealing with the shit we had gone through, my mum was already a step further into the future. We had a family-therapy session, and she began with saying that she thinks the problem is her relationship with my father, and that she wants to get a divorce.

Right now she already moved in somewhere else. Thursday she took our dog with her.

Anyone who is close to our family knows that the problem is not their relationship. My mum has a mental illness, but she doesn't want to admit that. Right now she is in complete denial of her desease. She has always been looking for something to blame it on. It used to be the house that was too big, or the garden which was too much work, or the vacations that cause too much stress. And now she blames it on my dad. So now I have a depressed father, and a manic mother.
It will only take a few months before my mother falls off her cloud of happyness, and that is when she will realize what she has done. My father is completely done with her, we have discussed it and we can't take this anymore. We decided to let go, and see what happens. We seriously hope this is the answer to her depression. But honestly, it is incredibly unlikely. She thinks she has it all sort out right now, and she says she can finally think clearly (I've heard that before). But I think within a year, I will need to buy a suit for the funeral.

I'm having a really tough time. It opened my eyes on the suicide-matter: It's a definite no-no. But I'm more depressed than ever before. I practically just lay in bed all day, staring at the ceiling. I don't know what to do anymore. In 3 days finals start, which will be a disaster. I still have an intense selfhate, sometimes I just bang my head into the wall till I drop down. I really don't want school to end, too. As soon as school ends, I'll probably just end up being alone for two months, and I don't think I can handle that.

[Witting]

I started crying while I was reading. I seriously hope you and especially your mother gets trough this period. I thought my situation was bad but this clearly is much much worse.
Best luck with your finals.

[CW5X]

You may feel like you're alone for the next 2 months but I think I'm right in saying everybody here is right behind you and always here. No-one should have to go through this. The exams I'm afraid are just something you'll have to get through in tough times. I knew that when I went into hospital a couple of weeks before mine but believe me, you're clever and you'll do better than you think you will.

[Cardsandcoasters]

Dude, you are so strong for being able to get through all this. It's incredible. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it, and it is making you stronger all the time. And you will never be alone on this site. Since we're all far away and can't exactly meet up too easily, I'm sure people here would be glad to Skype or something. I'd love to help you study for physics or calc! But you will always have friends on this site, even if we can't exactly hang out.

[ForgotToGrowUp]

Bart, hang in there. Do your best to cope and know that is all anyone can do. You've always struck me as a bright and muture person. It's unfair life dealt you this mess but it is what it is and you will get through it.

In the immediate future talk to a counsellor at school, I am sure they will be willing to make alternative arrangements for your tests. No on is going to expect you to be able to perform under these conditions. I don't know your financial situation but is there any chance you can find a summer activity to keep you busy away from home? Any kind of camp or mission that will get you in a new environment, introduce you to new people and occupy your mind will be healthy for you.

Really sorry dude, wish I could help you in some way.

[TheSUCKCrew]

Two days ago it was a clear night, and I was looking at the sky when I saw a falling star.
While I was trying to come up with something to wish for, another one fell.
And then another one. And then another one.
Slowly I started to realize the painful truth, I couldn't think of anything I wanted.
I had nothing to wish for, I had no hopes anymore.
For 3 years straight I had always wished for one thing with these sort of things, and that was for my mum to get better.
This time I didn't. There was no point to it.

So while I was in england with my dad and brother, we got a call from my mum.
Apparently she fell of her cloud of positive energy, and as soon as her therapist noticed that, my mum was sent to a mental hospital.
A friend of her brought her there, and apparently she had been living in complete stress for a few days already. Her house was a complete mess and the dog probably hadn't been outside for a few days.
In the period when she was still feeling "up", she moved out, got a house, bought interior and everything. She got a lot of new clients for her business, and she got into a few art organizations. All of that is now on hold ofcourse, and her house is empty now. It truely is a tragedy. She now realizes that all of it wasn't real: She left my father, she tore the family apart, this whole thing cost a lot of money, we have all been suffering emotionally, and it was all for nothing. It didn't work.

That is what is mostly on my mind: The purposelessness of my life the last couple of months.
By now I've turned into someone without any ambitions, hopes or dreams.
I'm questioning everything, myself mostly. I don't have any oppinions or choices anymore.
I can't see myself in any future, because I feel I have nothing to expect.
Everything is empty now. I'm just waiting for it all to pass. It better be quick, because I can't handle this shit much longer.

I can't seem to control myself during nights out with my friends, and I generally end up in a pool of my own blood and vomit.
Drugs were an issue aswell, though I think I have it under control now, the heavy stuff atleast.
Numbing myself has been my only way to survive the last couple of months though.

By the way, I'm not too strong at giving feedback to the replies you guys give me. Posting this is already kind of a huge step for me and actually continuing a "conversation" about it is way harder. Anyhow, I really appreciate your support and your replies, they always help me in one way or another.

Edited by TheSUCKCrew, 14 August 2013 - 09:38 PM.

[DDRman732865]

I wish I could give you advice, but at this point I have no idea what to say, other than try your best not to be discouraged. I think you're a bright kid who's in a terrible situation. But nothing lasts forever. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

[ForgotToGrowUp]

Just remember as bad as this situation you are in has become, it is not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to change things. Your mom has big problems, it is a sickness, she isn't doing anything to hurt you on purpose.

There is nomagic solution that you will get through this. You are smart and telented. You can still be anything you want to become in life. In the meantime, try to stay away from drugs and alcohol and destructive behaviour. Numbing yourself will ease the pain short term but it will only prolong your agony. You need a clear mind to get through this and process it all. Definitely seek the help of a therapist they can offer advice to keep you going in the right direction.

Try to find a healthy outlet for your energy and something to focus on. You seem to really like sailing and the ocean. Have you considered a spot on one of the training tall ships? There are a bunch of programs for youths needing something like that. You get to focus on something really interesting, live a healthy life and see the world. A program like that really turned around the life of a friends daughter who was having a lot of trouble with drugs and depression. After a year on the boat she is a different person. Very focused and mature. Just a thought.

Sail Training International - Home

[TheSUCKCrew]

Another crisis...

It is sad to see how your perspective of a person or even an group can change within a blink of an eye. Even the tiniest flaw ruins the spotless image of what you pictured it to be. And it makes you doubt whether you are even allowed to have any expectations of life at all anymore.

There are very few constants in life when you are my age. Your personality is taking shape, you are learning so much about society and life, and every day your view on the world and humanity changes. Because of this, the bond with your parents is extremely important. You can think your mum is a bitch when she makes you clean your room, or you can call your dad an ass hole when he yells at you for skipping class. But in the end, all they do is care.
Almost every person eventually reaches a point in life where he realizes this bond with his parents is not as important as he once thought. Generally this happens when you already live on your own, you get your own life and you realize that your creators don't have any influence on your life anymore.

When my mum left us a few months ago, my entire world fell apart. I felt betrayed and abandoned. We all did. But we had to move on, we tried to make the best of it and a new “family” consisting of me, my brother, and my dad took shape. It was really comforting knowing there was still a place where I belonged, since life as I knew it had shattered into a million pieces.
I think I could have gotten used to the new situation, given enough time. But apparently life had other plans. Only two months after she had chosen to part from everything she had, she fell off her cloud of inner strength and she got depressed, did a suicide attempt and ended up in the mental hospital for two weeks. Yes, two weeks... that's all it takes to recover, according to the new regulations that our government enforced. Before we managed to take this all in, we were already forced to choose between abandoning my mum like she did to us or taking her in again.

It's not like there is much of a choice anyway. You've known this person your entire life, you can't abandon her just because she made some bad decisions a few months ago. And so it happened, she came over for dinner once so we would get used to the idea, and two days later she was moved in. Everything is the way it used to be again. But it is not.

The decisions she made, have made a huge impact. She says it was necessary because she finally realizes how important our family is, she finally sees that she belongs here. And while she finally sees what we saw the entire time, I do not see it anymore. After all we have been through, I don't think it can ever be the way it was again. Everything is just a painful memory of how it used to be. Especially she, walking around like nothing ever happened. It's all so god damn fake.

I give us a few more months before the next crisis starts. We are all very tense right now (except my mother, of course), because we feel there is no progress. We are stuck in this memory, and we don't know how to get out.

Although living in the past is quite painful already, thinking about the future disturbs me even more. I always thought we would still be celebrating Christmas together in twenty years, just like we did every year so far. Or actually, I had not even thought about it because there was no doubt. But now I know that things will never be the same again.
I suppose the best thing I can hope for is to get the hell out of this place. I don't think the bond that I used to have with my parents is something worth staying for, and it feels like the best way for me to make it through is to give up on my hope of staying together as a family. It makes me feel very lonely.

Edited by TheSUCKCrew, 08 October 2017 - 05:29 AM.

[ForgotToGrowUp]

Bart you are a very thoughtful young man. Try to accept that there are things we can not control. Take care of yourself first and try to have sympathy for others.

As hard as it is detaching from your mom it is probably best for you. Detaching is an emotional move, not a physical one. Detaching and physically separating are not the same but sometimes it is very hard to do one without the other.

As I've said before, don't try to handle this all by yourself. Seek out and accept help from whomever you can, preferably a professional trained in these situations. Support groups can be very helpful as well. And try not to over use alcohol and drugs, they will only make things worse in the long run. It might help forget things or ease the pain in the moment but you need to process this all to move on in your life. Alcohol and drugs make that impossible.

It sucks, life aint fair. But it's all we got so try to make the best of what is no doubt a sucky situation.

Thinking of you and hoping you can make the best of this mess.

Hang in there.

[TheSUCKCrew]

It has only gone downhill lately. I have been cutting myself, choking myself, I often hit myself on the head untill I black out.
I'm loosing my grip on reality, whenever I look in a mirror I see a dead version of myself, in complete peace.
I've thought about suicide a lot. Honestly, I don't think I can take much more. I think I'll ask if I can get some sort of anti-depressant or something soon.
Everything has just been terrible, and I'm also having a lot of stress because of school. It just keeps on raining.

[DDRman732865]

You need professional help. Like, seriously, get it now. We all care about you, and none of us want to see anything bad happen to you. You always have something to live for, regardless if you can see it or not.

[TheSUCKCrew]

So today I got in a fight with one of my teachers, and I went home immediately where I finally collapsed.
After laying in my bed for a few minutes my mum and I had a talk, and we talked about my thoughts.
I went to my room where I layed down on the couch, in panic and fear of myself, not knowing how I could go on in life. It felt like hours, and when my mum finally came in I was in tears.
For an hour I've cried. I had not cried for at least a year, and I felt very light afterwards. Although I'm far from fine still, it gave me a lot of peace to finally get rid of all these cropped up emotions.
I layed down the rest of the day, feeling kinda ill but relieved.

Ofcourse I'm still going to visit my psychologist, and I'll just see how everything goes because it ain't over just yet.
But I do feel today was progress.

I also stopped smoking weed last wednesday. And I was very tired because I went on a museum trip this weekend.

Edited by TheSUCKCrew, 14 October 2013 - 11:20 AM.

[ForgotToGrowUp]

Glad you stopped smoking Bart. Crying can be very theraputic. Get as much professional help as you can. Please take care of yourself. Thinking of you often.

[TheSUCKCrew]

Well, she's in the nuthouse again.

It's accompanied by financial problems, my brother getting kicked off his school, my father's Job being at stake and lots of other stuff.
The 2013 myth is true for my family. We are damned.

It is all one; therefore I say,
he destroys both the blameless and the wicked.
When disaster brings sudden death,
he mocks at the calamity of the innocent.
The earth is given into the hands of the wicked;
he covers the eyes of its judges -
if it is not he, who then is it? [9:22-24]

Edited by TheSUCKCrew, 14 November 2013 - 05:52 PM.