11 replies to this topic

[DDRman732865]

I would say a lot of us consider ourselves "nerds," and with that comes the social anxiety stereotype. I figured I would make this thread to help with anyone who has trouble with social situations and would like advice. We've all been there, and I'm sure many of us would be happy to share experiences and give advice. Again, like the dating thread, there will be no judgment, harassment, etc.

Ask away.

[DDRman732865]

DP on purpose because I don't want this to be part of the OP.

So the directors of the pep band and the Blizzards (mascots) go out after every hockey game. We went out last night. Initially it was me and 4 directors. We got a booth: me and a bigger guy on one side, and the other 3 on the other side. Conversation went well, I socialized with them for awhile. Then Andy (see: dating thread) came about 30 min. later (he had to stay after for some thing with little kids on the ice). He sat in the same side as I was. He's bigger as well, so it was two bigger guys, and me stuck in the corner. From that point on, I didn't really get a chance to interact, because a. I was in the most awkward position, and b. the conversation pretty much shifted to Andy. I couldn't really talk to Andy because of how we were seated, plus I'm a quieter guy. Also, I found myself not having anything to say, or if I had something, I never could find a moment to say it. On the way out, I wanted to talk to Andrew a little bit longer, considering I only got to say like 2 things to him, but he left right away, as did my ride. So have you guys been in a situation similar to this, and do you have any advice for this type of situation? This is going to be a regular thing, and I really do not want to spend every Saturday night stuck in the corner of a booth while everyone else has a good time.

Also, the situation with Andy is I'm getting over him as a romantic interest, and we're starting to become normal friends. Friday night/Saturday morning, a small group of us had a drinking night, and he joined us. We had some good conversations about coming out, classes, etc. I admitted I had a crush on him before I knew he was engaged; he shrugged, laughed and said it happens. The morning after was fine as well, we talked for a little bit before I left. I think we're past the point of acquaintance and we seem to be decent friends. That's progressing well, I've think I've figured that out. The more I think of him as a good friend, the less I'll think about him as someone I want to date (he's engaged).

[The Stig]

Sometimes I feel I may be autistic or something. One-on-one, I can hold a decent conversation. With three, not too much. In a group, I'm socially useless.
It's hard to explain. I'll hear something once person says, and my brain just runs with it. But I can't say what I'm thinking because someone else usually starts talking and takes the conversation in a different direction. But I'm still going the other way. By the time there's a dialogue gap, my brain is miles away.

[DDRman732865]

That's exactly what I feel in these types of situations. I feel like we aren't ever on a subject long enough for me to make a good contribution.

[Britfag]

I think I am just shy.
We're doing this group presentation stuff on my college course where every Friday, the tutors pick out ~10 pieces of work that they like and get the pupils to talk about it.
I've been picked 3/4 weeks, which means I guess my work is good, but I go bright-freekin'-red every time, and I can't talk.
Usually, in social situations I am fine, but talking alone to a whole group of 30-40 people.. nuh uh.

I also suck at introductions. (although this is something that has only really happened lately..)

[Micronex]

May not be 100% relevant.
I feel that I always turn conversations into something stupid. Like, I'm either really nitpicky about what someone says (like I'll try and make a joke out of anything), or I just sort of "yeah" "yeah" "yeah" "uh huh" along. I don't know. I can't remember what I was like on the Theme Park Bash either.
In a group, I always repeat something that someone else has said or just go along with whatever's being talked about. Like, if someone says something amusing, I feel like I'm the sort of person to repeat it.

[commando]

I tend to be this way to, I often stress my self way to much over social situations leading up to them, however in the moment, I'm usually fine. Breaking the ice and introductions is usually what I'm the worst at, one of the many reasons I suck at dating....

[SCM]

I'm the shyest person I know of. I'm too afraid to talk to anyone at all, regardless of how many people there are. I hardly say anything to anyone at all, I haven't said a word since last night, and I've manged to isolate myself as much as possible from people. Out in public, I get panic attacks in stores... the more crowded, the worse it is. Even seeing a parking lot with a good amount of cars makes me really nervous. I am just so afraid of people rejecting me, which I have quite a history of, and so I'm afraid to even be social at all. Other things, I always feel judged and misunderstood when around people in real life.

[FrIeDeGgS]

I always hate everybody in the mornings at school because you know someone acts stupid or something and all the people just get in the way when I'm trying to get to class and then I just kinda get happier as the day goes... And I just really hate people at my school because most of them are pretty stupid. There's pretty much this one guy I talk to at lunch (I'm not in any of his classes anymore really) and some people on the bus. I usually don't talk too much because I like to be by myself and I like just thinking of random things...
Edit: Oh and I don't know if this would count but I really hate presentations because I always get afraid of what will happen and stuff like that...

Edited by FrIeDeGgS, 07 October 2013 - 06:46 PM.

[rollercoasterfanatic919]

Sometimes I feel I may be autistic or something. One-on-one, I can hold a decent conversation. With three, not too much. In a group, I'm socially useless.
It's hard to explain. I'll hear something once person says, and my brain just runs with it. But I can't say what I'm thinking because someone else usually starts talking and takes the conversation in a different direction. But I'm still going the other way. By the time there's a dialogue gap, my brain is miles away.

I'm very similar. Unless the group is made up of my friends or other people I know, I don't talk as much as normal because of how quickly the conversation changes direction. I think I overprocess my thoughts, and by the time I have something formulated into a sentence the conversation is on a very different topic. Conversations with only one other person usually consist of much deeper thought without the puzzle of figuring out when and how to interject your voice, so I find them much more natural and enjoyable.

[DDRman732865]

So yeah, the past couple of days have been shitty.

People relevant for this: Andrew (Andy), Christine (really good friend), Dustin (kinda friend ish-read below) Also, Dustin is dating Andy's roommate
So Wednesday night, Christine invites me to a hangout with her fraternity. Dustin is a member, Andrew is pledging. I'm neither. So I go, it's pretty fun, except Dustin's being more of a dick than usual. At one point, he admits that he hated me for a few months last year. The reason being is we (Christine, Dustin, another one of my friends and I) were in a project group together throughout the semester, and apparently I told him he was useless on multiple occasions. I never meant it seriously, I was just jokingly saying it. He was rather useless, but I never told him in what I thought was a serious tone. So he hated me. He warmed up to me eventually, and now he makes a point of saying "I love you, Tom" in certain situations. Not like romantically, just as a "friend." The night went on, at one point Andy jokingly said "I don't know why I'm friends with you" to me. Out of this, I know that he thinks of me as a friend. So that's a plus. Anyway, Dustin leaves with Andy, and I leave with Christine. I'm thinking at this point I'm a pretentious prick, and Christine sort of confirms it. I talk to her for about a total of 20 minutes, me thinking I'm a huge asshole to everyone in general. I go to bed with this on my mind. I get like 4 hours of sleep.

Thursday morning, I have open skate with Andrew. I invited Dustin earlier Wednesday afternoon, thinking we were just normal friends, not realizing he had hated me at one point. Andrew shows up with Dustin. We go in. I'm trying to learn how to hockey stop, so I'm not really skating with the other two. I ask Andrew for tips occasionally. By the end, I'm tired, bitchy, and I just cannot get it in the slightest. I am sucking horribly, and I'm feeling really self conscious. I don't care when Andrew sees me sucking, but for some reason having Dustin there made things worse. I don't know. Afterwards, they horse around in the mascot room for a little bit. I try to join, but it just doesn't work and I'm not feeling it. They were planning on having lunch at 11, but I had class at 11, so I kinda casually mentioned that we should have lunch right away (10:5 ish). I'm not entirely sure if I forced it, or if they rolled with it. Don't quite remember. Anyway, lunch with those two and Christine went alright, although I feel like I was still tired and bitchy and didn't have much to say. Andrew mentions that he and Dustin may be going to the gym. I mention interest. I ask Andrew to text me if any plans arise. I leave, don't see any of them for the rest of the night. I texted him around 6 asking if there were plans, he said "trying to coordinate schedules," I respond "alright lmk." Nothing.

Today. I tried to organize a bonfire with the group of orientation leaders I became really close to at the beginning of the summer. I posted it to the OTL wall on Wednesday and texted everyone (75+ people) "Hey bonfire, leaving at 6:30" etc. No one showed up. I waited until 6:45. No one (except Christine). So Christine and I head over because I want to get the fire going before it gets dark. Fast forward to 9 pm. The fire is about dead, no one showed up. Over those few hours, I was talking to Christine. This is what we learned.
1. I am trying to be friends with Andrew because I don't want to think of him as a romantic interest (old news). I'm trying way too hard, and over-analyzing EVERYTHING. Any time he doesn't text me back, if I said something offensive, if he's weird about the fact that he knows that I had a crush on him (we were both drunk, although this is apparently a common problem he has). My mention of interest in working out came off as clingy and awkward. They (Andrew, Dustin, Christine) actually did end up doing stuff Thursday night, they just didn't tell me about it. I need to learn to let Andrew warm up to me more and start inviting ME to things. I can't force him to me BFF's with me, I need to take it his friendship as it comes.
2. Christine had a crush on me before she knew I was gay. For months. And that fact that my interactions with my female friends is basically flirting didn't help either. Turns out I basically lead her on for months and was like "Nope, I'm gay." Dustin hates me more for that as well. Christine's over it and accepts that I just suck at social interactions. Dustin isn't, and according to her, will continue to be a dick to me for a while yet. Andrew is more friends with Dustin, so I'm now paranoid that he will follow suit. I have no idea whether or not he will, most likely not. Just another situation of me over-analyzing things.

I'm not going to bother with the tl;dr. I'm more just posting this because I need to get my thoughts out of my head and into some other medium, and if you guys happen to have advice for my incredibly awkward situation, then fantastic. I may not be thinking straight. I may be overwhelmed that everything has happened within like 52 hours. I just need to express my concerns with my life. I don't want to slip into another depression, especially not this early in the year.

One last note: I know I am being extremely clingy towards Andrew. I am trying my hardest not to be. I want him to think of me as a good friend. We have enough in common, including other friends, that I think we can be friends (and absolutely nothing more). I'm trying to balance suppressing my hormones and getting to know him better.

[tornado96]

By the looks of it, i'm one of the less socially awkward guys around so i'll share my experiences.

So i used to be incredible awkward socially barely talking to anyone. What really helped was becoming more involved in my youth group. THis helped because i was now looking out for the newer people around and i've learnt a lot on how to interact in a way that makes it less awkward. Here's some of the tips i got and have just discovered on my own.

1. Probably the best one is: learn to ask questions. I know this may seem redundant but learning to ask questions is the best way to get a conversation going. You'd be surprised how deep you can go with questions and it makes it easier because the other person can talk about what they like to talk about the most: themselves (We're all like that, don't deny it . So here's an example:
"How's your week been?"
Pretty good man" (Very rarely do they actually tell you what they did...)
"Do anything interesting?"
"Oh yeah, i did X, Y and Z"
AH yeah, howd you find X?" (lets say X was an excursion)
"It was good, I really enjoyed A"
"How come you liked it so much?" (This is one people rarely get asked and it makes them think a bit. Gives them time to answer, makes less awkward for some reason)

You get the drift.

2. Immitate their body language.
This is an interesting one but really is great! So say you seen one of your friends (or someone you dont know) whose in a great mood, really extroverted. Go up to them in a fairly good mood. Jump in, smile on your face, immitating what they appear to feel. The flipside is someone who is just sitting on a chair not really doing anything, doesnt seem to be having the best time. Now it just goes to logic you're not going to run up and say hi with a smile on your face. Sit down, start the conversation with general questions. Eventually get to teh point, "Is something going on? you dont seem to be yourself."

3. short responses during long talks.
If you have them telling a story or some longer response it really helps them feel comfortable if you're adding little things like, yeah, no way!, Thats crazy, that sucks, ouch, really? (of course with the right emotion behind it.) This allows them to be more comfrotable in talking to ya because they feel you actually care about their situation (good or bad).

4. Learn to listen.
Make sure you're not the only one talking, thats the quickest way to end a conversation. be asking questions but dont interrupt their talking and dont go on tangents if they're telling you a story (especially if its personal). Now interrupting is different to the phrases i said in the previous tip.

5. Find out what they like
Sometimes the best question to ask is, "what do you like doing in your spare time?" or "What do you do apart from school/uni?" This is good because they can talk about what they like talking about most: sport, games, work, etc. Asking questions about those topics is helpful.

6. ITS ONLY AWKWARD IF YOU MAKE IT AWKWARD!
I cannot stress this enough. Just because no ones saying anything does not mean its an awkward pause. Just calm down, think of something else you could ask them. One great way to break silence is to ask a bigger question. I know this one may be weird but, "Whats your life story?" This puts them on the spot to talk for a while. And if they dont wanna talk then thats broken the ice and barely any other question will seem to big.

7. If you wanna go deeper
If you're trying to have a deeper talk with someone (say someone who seems to be going through something or even just getting to know a girl) a great way to start it of on a serious note is to share something personal from your life (Of course try make it come of a conversation. not just randomly start talking about your personal life). Ths makes it easier for them to share something more personal from their life. (i broke up with gf a few days ago, got bullied in school, etc.)

I dont know if this will help any of you guys but these are just some of the things that ive learnt as ive started to become more socially interactive. Just have a good time. If you're overanalysing everything someone says than you're not having fun. Enjoy the fellowship that people provide. Starting the conversation is always the hardest part. Sometimes you just need a little push (literal if needed).

Good luck in your conversational development! Hope i helped.